Time to shed a tear for Portugal’s Costa and the world’s major corporations

Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.

I like it, I’m not gonna crack
I miss you, I’m not gonna crack
I love you, I’m not gonna crack
I killed you, I’m not gonna crack

“Lithium” by Nirvana.

I resign

“Lithium” by António Costa.

Yes, it’s farewell to António Costa, the now-former prime minister of Portugal and the EU leader who most looked like he was about to burst into tears at any moment.

Costa’s premiership came to an abrupt end after police raided his official residence and several ministries as part of an investigation into corruption surrounding lithium exploration schemes and a green hydrogen mega-project. 

I know what you’re thinking, “not another leader brought down by a lithium scandal?” But lithium is big business these days thanks to a herculean effort by the comms gurus at Big Lithium to diversify away from treating depression and getting it used in batteries, which has its pluses and minuses, and by a host of other industries.

As for Costa, he does not, contrary to popular belief (by which I mean jokesters on Xitter) own British-based hot drinks emporium Costa Coffee. It is in fact owned by the Coca-Cola Company, which has had a bad week.

First, Turkey’s parliament said it would no longer be serving Coca-Cola products as part of a boycott of companies that “support Israel.” It follows a September move by the Finnish parliament to stop serving Pepsi because of its continued operations in Russia. One centrist MP, Tuomas Kettunen, asked the parliament to “set an example” by stopping the sale of “blood Pepsi,” although he didn’t specify if that also included the sugar-free version, “Blood Pepsi Max.”

Then, in more bad news for sugary drinks fans, Croatia’s health minister advised the public to “drink water” after at least four people were reported to have fallen ill after drinking beverages made by the Coca-Cola company. Vili Beroš later backtracked and said the drinks weren’t the problem and were safe to consume, noting “It is not good to fall for false messages.”

Perhaps the boss of Coca-Cola — Santa Claus? — will need to do a PR tour of Europe, as is currently happening with TikTok, the social media site and data collection enthusiast whose chief executive Shou Zi Chew has been meeting top EU officials.

It’s unclear if all of the TikTok boss’s meetings last three minutes and feature only content made by teenagers that can charitably be described as shit.

CAPTION COMPETITION

“And if I press this button, it automatically fires all my staff. Do you want one?”

Can you do better? Email [email protected] or on Twitter @pdallisonesque

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Thanks for all the entries. Here’s the best from our postbag — there’s no prize except for the gift of laughter, which I think we can all agree is far more valuable than cash or booze.

“The Franco-German Shepherd alliance goes from strength to strength,” by Tom Morgan.

Paul Dallison is POLITICO‘s deputy EU editor.