How to watch King Charles III’s coronation like a pro

LONDON — The United Kingdom — famed for over-the-top politeness, a love of queuing and barely discernible sarcasm — is preparing to offer the world its eccentric best this weekend with King Charles III’s coronation.

A nation that has basically two gears — quiet reservation and over-the-top flag-waving — will lay on the bunting and street parties as it hopes to prove that when it comes to pomp and ceremony, few can throw down like the Brits. 

Saturday’s coronation in the heart of London promises a heady mix of pageantry, weird ancient tradition and grandiose surroundings, all attended by the great, the good, and Prince Andrew. Obviously, it’s expected to be drizzly.

Just in case you’re not totally up on your Jewelled swords of Offering, let POLITICO walk you through Saturday’s festivities.

6 a.m.: Public viewing areas are due to open along the main procession route from Buckingham Palace to Westminster Abbey. Many, ahem, committed royalists have already staked out the route over the past few days, hoping to get a good view of his kingship et al.

7.15 a.m.: The less important first 2,000-or-so guests begin to arrive for a once-over by security. Expect an eclectic mix of celebrities, family friends, faith leaders, and more.

7.30 a.m.: Never-ending global broadcast coverage of the king’s coronation begins. Set your alarm to see how the best in the biz manage to kill time and try admirably to guess the identities of foreign dignitaries.

9.00 a.m.: Those less important guests are seated inside Westminster Abbey.

9.30-10.45 a.m.: The big dogs arrive, as does Liz Truss. Members of the royal family, current and former prime ministers, ministers and heads of state from across the world will adorn our TV screens, though not U.S. President Joe Biden, who is, according to the always-reliable Donald Trump, sleeping in Delaware. Jill Biden will be there instead.

French President Emmanuel Macron will be the most senior European leader present, with Germany and Italy opting to rest their star players Olaf Scholz and Giorgia Meloni. Watch out for Macron and U.K. Prime Minister Rishi Sunak staring longingly at each other across the pews.

9.45 a.m.: The — wait for it — Sovereign’s Escort of the Household Cavalry will start assembling for the King’s procession.

10.20 a.m.: The king, along with his wife, Camilla, will travel on the late queen’s plush Diamond Jubilee Coach — decked out with air conditioning, hydraulic suspension, and electric windows — from Buckingham Palace along the Mall. TV helicopters will be whirring away, tracking the coach meandering its way to Westminster Abbey past various London landmarks. That noise you’ll hear will be London Mayor Sadiq Khan saying “ka-ching.” Expect lots of the slightly strange royal wave.

11 a.m.: With 2,000 guests in their places — and the king arriving at precisely 10.53 — the real fun and games begin. According to the Daily Telegraph, the Archbishop of Canterbury, who is MC’ing the whole shebang, will call for recognition of the monarch. In response, the congregation — and willing members of the public across the nation — will shout: “God save the king. Long live King Charles. May the king live forever.” No pressure.

During the two-hour ceremony, Charles will take an oath, might kiss a special gold-leaf bible at some point, and will be anointed — out of sight — with holy oil via the coronation spoon (because, of course, he will). There’ll be a hymn sung in Welsh, Scottish Gaelic and Irish Gaelic. Charles will then be presented with top royal regalia — the real fancy stuff — including a coat of gold silk, the Jewelled sword of Offering and an orb, before being coronated with the St Edward’s Crown. Then come the gun salutes. In a symbolic act, Charles will be escorted from the coronation chair to the throne. Once her husband’s done grabbing all the attention, Camilla will have her own brief ceremony to be crowned as queen. There’s loads else, but some of us have word counts.

1 p.m.: The coronation is expected to wrap up, with the procession returning to Buckingham Palace. King Charles and Queen Camilla travel via the gold state coach. Ballers.

1.45 p.m.: The king and queen receive a Royal Salute on the west terrace of the Buckingham Palace garden, with military personnel offering three cheers.

2.15 p.m.: And the crowd goes … wild, probably, as members of the royal family gather on the Buckingham Palace balcony for a sustained period of uncomfortable waving, pointing and a fly past. Will Harry be there? Oh, the tension!

And that’s it — for Saturday — regarding the official, public-facing stuff. Sunday will see more events taking place, including a concert in Windsor and so-called big lunches across the U.K., with Sunak hosting his own at Downing Street. Our invite must have gotten lost in the post (well, there have been a few strikes recently, to be fair).

Monday: Now a bank holiday in the U.K., which means loads of people not working in newsrooms get the day off! It’s being described as the Big Help Out, where citizens are encouraged to volunteer, and not Hangover Monday, as it otherwise may prove to be.